Wednesday, April 29, 2009


I have had a couple of people ask me how I am doing in the past couple of weeks and my answer is usually to smile act like nothing is wrong and say “oh I am doing just fine. How are you?” in an almost tight lipped high screeching and pitiful “don’t ask more or I will sob right here and now” voice (I usually end up sobbing anyway and then getting mad because I cried). In reality, I am doing…ok. I have, with the suggestion of some close friends and family, begun look into some underlying medical issues as well as start going to a counselor.
I have made several appointments to go BACK to the doctors after so many years and I am dreading every second. I just remember for 3-4 years I went to doctors and the whole time I was undiagnosed or just diagnosing the symptoms. I am a little nervous to say the least but feel I do need to go back and just get checked out a little more thoroughly. God is the ultimate healer and I have to be sound in the fact t
hat He will guide the Doctors I am also currently going to a counselor that I believe God placed in my path at the right time. She is very forthright but a woman none the less. Please pray that I can figure “me” out as well as keep up the financial needs to continue to go to her.

BJ and I are…. well, we are us. Not very many people understand but we desire to be together but we know this isn’t the best or right time to be moving along as quickly as we were. It is very hard at times and so painful. We have wonderful conversations and beneficial talks about how to improve our issues, my inse
curities, things we both need to work on, and just in general have tried to be supportive of each other through this rough time. I see small patch work in some deep cracks and that gives me hope. He has been so patient with me and Lord knows I need someone who is. I get so confused at times trying to figure out my feelings, where I went wrong, and where to go from here. Pray for me on that. Pray for us…individually and for the hope of a future together.

My work with World Orphans has been my saving grace through all of this. They have started to really build into me and stretch my creativity and purpose. It is such an
encouragement to know you have one thing in life going according to what God wants and isn’t AS bumpy as others. J It is also such a relief to go home and know “wow I did something today that was used for furthering God’s kingdom and reaching His children and was geared for my personality.”

But once again I am humbled and reminded that as I look into going to these doctors and starting counseling, doing a job I love that so many children, who have gone through so much more than I have and at a very young age, do not have the opportunity to even see a doctor much less get treatment or have a job. Counseling? What is that to them? Someone to talk to? No way would they even think of paying someone for that. Emotional issues? What? They are just trying to stay alive. A Job you love? I just need one.

I thank God that I lead such a blessed life and am humbled and ask for forgiveness when I think God has not given ME enough.

Father, you are the healer and as I am humbled by your abounding provision, safety and health I ask that you move my heart to not lean towards selfishness but selflessness. Heal my soul as well as my body. Change my heart, oh God and renew a right spirit within me. Create in me a clean heart, oh God. Protect the little ones Protector, from the bodily harm that befalls them and build up their spirit as the Evil one tries to tear it down and riddle it with fear and hate. We are all your children and each one of us with our own problems. I take comfort that you hear every single cry, call and prayer and You answer. You answer no matter how miniscule mine our in relation to the orphaned and abandoned all over this earth. Thank you for caring enough to comfort even the smallest of things and for caring enough to battle the greatest of evils.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

My first Igloo

My first igloo! Bj and I built it this last weekend when we got 12 inches of snow. And yet today is 70 degrees and the snow has melted!

Snow is falling
Snow is falling
From the sky above
Snow is falling
Put on scarf and glove

Snow is falling
Go look outside
Snow is falling
The old landscape it hide

Snow is falling
What a beautiful sight
Snow is falling
It sparkles in the light

Snow is falling
Soft cotton wool flakes
Snow is falling
A white blanket it makes

Snow is falling
Short flowers disappear
Snow is falling
The cold is here

Snow is falling
Its time to play
Snow is falling
Lets make snowmen today :)


Monday, April 6, 2009

My Hearts Prayer...

A moment in which I wish had never happened- I hurt the ones I love. Father, Daddy, hear my cry, my hurt, my pain, my heartache, and make me whole. Love the one I hurt when I can not fully... For my love is not yet complete without You as my strength and center. I desire to be worthy of him but I know I must first desire to be worthy of you... My heart hurts and my sorrow is almost unbearable...Give him one who will live, laugh, and love- happily, and wholeheartedly. Forgive me for thinking me without You would be enough for him... Forgive me for not loving YOU as I should and therefore not be able to love him as I desire...Heal me father for I can only pray for rescue. For if I do it alone, as I have, I will fail again...and again. I fling myself at the foot of your cross and ask for forgiveness, for help, for comfort...

Psalm 6
O LORD, Deliver My Life
To the choirmaster: with stringed instruments; according to(A) The Sheminith.[a] A Psalm of David.
1O LORD, rebuke me not in your anger,
nor discipline me in your wrath.
2Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am languishing;
heal me, O LORD, for my bones are troubled.
3My soul also is greatly troubled.
But you, O LORD—how long?
4Turn, O LORD, deliver my life;
save me for the sake of your steadfast love.
5For in death there is no remembrance of you;
in Sheol who will give you praise?
6I am weary with my moaning;
every night I flood my bed with tears;
I drench my couch with my weeping.
7My eye wastes away because of grief;
it grows weak because of all my foes.
8 Depart from me, all you workers of evil,
for the LORD has heard the sound of my weeping.
9The LORD has heard my plea;
the LORD accepts my prayer.
10All my enemies shall be ashamed and greatly troubled;
they shall turn back and be put to shame in a moment.

Psalm 13
How Long, O LORD?
To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.
1How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him,"
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6I will sing to the LORD,
because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Trust in the Lord … Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will do this. Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him. (Psalm 37:3-5, 7a)

Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)

(Psalm 62:1-2)
1For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
2 He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.