smile act like nothing is wrong and say “oh I am doing just fine. How are you?” in an almost tight lipped high screeching and pitiful “don’t ask more or I will sob right here and now” voice (I usually end up sobbing anyway and then getting mad because I cried). In reality, I am doing…ok. I have, with the suggestion of some close friends and family, begun look into some underlying medical issues as well as start going to a counselor.I have made several appointments to go BACK to the doctors after so many years and I am dreading every second. I just remember for 3-4 years I went to doctors and the whole time I was undiagnosed or just diagnosing the symptoms. I am a little nervous to say the least but feel I do need to go back and just get checked out a little more thoroughly. God is the ultimate healer and I have to be sound in the fact that He will guide the Doctors I am also currently going to a counselor that I believe God placed in my path at the right time. She is very forthright but a woman none the less. Please pray that I can figure “me” out as well as keep up the financial needs to continue to go to her.
BJ and I are…. well, we are us. Not very many people understand but we desire to be together but we know this isn’t the best or right time to be moving along as quickly as we were. It is very hard at times and so painful. We have wonderful conversations and beneficial talks about how to improve our issues, my insecurities, things we both need to work on, and just in general have tried to be supportive of each other through this rough time. I see small patch work in some deep cracks and that gives me hope. He has been so patient with me and Lord knows I need someone who is. I get so confused at times trying to figure out my feelings, where I went wrong, and where to go from here. Pray for me on that. Pray for us…individually and for the hope of a future together.
My work with World Orphans has been my saving grace through all of this. They have started to really build into me and stretch my creativity and purpose. It is such an encouragement to know you have one thing in life going according to what God wants and isn’t AS bumpy as others. J It is also such a relief to go home and know “wow I did something today that was used for furthering God’s kingdom and reaching His children and was geared for my personality.”
But once again I am humbled and reminded that as I look into going to these doctors and starting counseling, doing a job I love that so many children, who have gone through so much more than I have and at a very young age, do not have the opportunity to even see a doctor much less get treatment or have a job. Counseling? What is that to them? Someone to talk to? No way would they even think of paying someone for that. Emotional issues? What? They are just trying to stay alive. A Job you love? I just need one.
I thank God that I lead such a blessed life and am humbled and ask for forgiveness when I think God has not given ME enough.
Father, you are the healer and as I am humbled by your abounding provision, safety and health I ask that you move my heart to not lean towards selfishness but selflessness. Heal my soul as well as my body. Change my heart, oh God and renew a right spirit within me. Create in me a clean heart, oh God. Protect the little ones Protector, from the bodily harm that befalls them and build up their spirit as the Evil one tries to tear it down and riddle it with fear and hate. We are all your children and each one of us with our own problems. I take comfort that you hear every single cry, call and prayer and You answer. You answer no matter how miniscule mine our in relation to the orphaned and abandoned all over this earth. Thank you for caring enough to comfort even the smallest of things and for caring enough to battle the greatest of evils.
